When I am a Rebel

I spent my childhood in a conservative neighborhood. I'm a pastor's kid. I don't get into much trouble.

But one of these days, I'll show them.

That I am a rebel. (cue dramatic music).

What will I do, when I am a rebel?

I'm glad you asked. 

First thing on my list is to get this haircut:

   I've always wanted a pixxie-ish haircut but was always too scared to try it. When I am a rebel, I will get this haircut. I don't care if boys like girls with long hair. Screw boys.

 

Secondly, I will get a tattoo.

   I've always wanted one, despite having a very low pain tolerance. My uncle's a tattoo artist, and a good one at that, maybe I'll get a discount.

 

Thirdly, I will get a cat.

   Cats are practically the symbols of rebelling and are cute to boot! My cat and I will get along swimmingly and live happily ever after.

 

 

I've run out of rebellious ideas.What would you do?

 

Over and out.

Love,
Cailin

 

Video of the Day:



   It has nothing to do with my topic, but I like the song. So yeah.

Shoutout of the Day: Goes to my sophomore girls and guys in Singin' in the Rain! Y'all did a great job, I give ya props.

 



Home

What is home?

   Home is defined as where one lives permanently. For someone who has moved a lot in her life, I feel like that isn't true for me, cause I haven't lived anywhere permanently. Home is that place that gives you warm fuzzies, the place where you go to when you're upset, the place that is filled of stories about you and what Little You was like. And there are quite a few of those places for me. I mean...let's just walk through that a little.

I lived in four different towns in Arkansas. The one I spent the most time in is Fort Smith, Arkansas. I remember playing soccer at a park there. I remember playing games in a grove. Everytime I visit there, I drive past old schools and old hangout places.

I lived in Virginia Beach, and it grew on me. It was that awk middle school age, but I made two or three really good friends there that I still talk to years later. I would love to just stand on the beach and listen to the seagulls for a while.

Never my home. HATED living there.

Sigh, my last residence. Fell in love with theater and frozen yogurt while living there. I miss it a lot, the food, the people, the weather (compared to here!), and the again the people. I loved going on a walk and running into like five friends. I didn't want to leave Cincinnati.

I wonder what I will write about this place.

 

Over and out!

Love,

Cailin

 

Video of the Day:

This song kinda inspired this post.

Shoutout of the Day:

To a friend of mine who is having a rough time. I'm praying for ya.
Cailin



AP Lang Bit

    We need to Care.

 

     Now, that's not the best title, but give me a moment to enlighten you. When I first attended Eaglecrest, it was one of the hardest school relocations I've ever had to go through. At my old school I was at the top of my game socially, rarely felt alone, and I liked it that way. I'm an extrovert and people jazz me up. When I had to move I was sad, but ready to see what this new place would bring me. I wasn't going down without a fight.

Well, let's just say EHS metaphorically broke all my ribs and dislocated my shoulders.

     School became a somewhat torturous activity. I walked around school with my head held high, but not feeling the confidence I pretended to have. Why? Nobody cared. Nobody cared about the girl who sat in the corner and waited for everyone to leave so she could eat without feeling self-conscious. Who wilted when people stared at her, when the only person who sat by her was doing it for a psychology experiment. I was desperate, I walked up to people I didn't know, would talk to them, they seem cool. The next day, it was like I had never spoken to them. My presence wasn't acknowledged.

    Thankfully, this isn't the end of the story. I eventually made friends and don't worry about the things I did back then. Moral of the story is that if I was in a different place, if I wasn't as stubborn as I was to make friends, something bad might've happened. I might have done something I regretted. I might have given up. And why would that have happened?

Nobody cares. That message is screamed at you through the halls. In the lunchroom. In class.

    Is this the message you want to send? Is this what people want to think of the student body when they leave EHS? I'd bet good money that my audience that I'm writing to doesn't want people to think that. Then, make the change. Set a trend. Sit by that girl wearing funky boots and ask her how she's doing.

Care. If you don't, God knows no one else will.

I Don't Like Liking People

  So, this has nothing to do with Valentine's Day because Valentine's Day is my birthday therefore it can do no wrong. This is just a Cailin's-gonna-rant-and-hope-nobody-sees-this-post-that-I-know. Let us begin.

    Once upon a time, I like a person. So I try to act cool, tell myself I don't like him, and remind myself every couple minutes that ninety percent of teen relationships don't work out. He probably likes someone with bigger tits than mine. While this thought process is successful, it's only successful for a short time.

I then decide the best thing to do is hide my feelings and not accept the fact that I like him.

 

   Thusly, I take a metaphorical shovel and dig a great big metaphorical hole and bury all those feelings in the bottom of my heart. And I refuse to let myself fantasize about any sort of 'us.' This is a very effective, if not emotionally draining method. So effective actually, that I don't notice when it quits working. It quits working:

 

When I blush or try to get said male to laugh.

When I look at facebook pictures and his face is the first one I see.

When encounters with said male are the highlights of my day.

When he smiles and I get these butterflies.

Damn those butterflies.



   When I get to the point where I am tired, a tad hormonal, and emotionally kaput, I realize the fact for what it is. That I like this individual. And he probably doesn't like me back.

 

  So I let my heart break and it whithers up and I just sit in a ball wondering why God made people, and why I'm not a hermit. And I vow never to find myself attracted in a romantic fashion to any individual.

I'll let you imagine how effective that is.



Over and out.

Love,

C

 

Video of the Day:

Warning, I found this song relatable but depressing as all get out. Listen at your own risk.

Shoutout of the Day: To my boys who had a gig I couldn't go to. I'm sorry. One of these days one of us will be filthy rich and will have the means to transport me to see y'all. I love my big brothers.:)

 





Why must my Passion equal Unhappiness?

Hey guys!

    I'm in a bad mood.

Why?

  Well for one thing, my dad left. He came into town to celebrate Christmas with us and he had to leave today...





 

 Two, school is starting soon and I have a ton of homework that I haven't even contemplated starting on (consisting of a script, an eight page paper, and a mountain of chemistry homework). Oh the joys of being a major procrastinator.

 

 And with school starting. It makes me think about the fact that I auditioned for Singin' in the Rain and didn't get past callbacks...again. I don't know, maybe I should just, give up on school theater. Maybe I should try and find some guild. Because I LOVE THEATER. It's a major passion of mine, it makes all my bad things dissappear. But, I, didn't get into the musical...that I thought I would be in...not even a big part, just in.

 

 When I saw the cast list, I was just like, OK, move on. I have free time to get a job, we're good. So I applied to be a starbucks barista. I have not heard back from them either.





 

None of this is a self esteem boost.



 

So I got crazy.

  I bought a guitar. I'd been contemplating buying a guitar for a long time, but I started actively looking and pursuing it. The thing that made my search more difficult than others is the fact that I was looking for a left-handed guitar. I googled models, called up an uncle who knew what he was talking about, and walked into a guitar store to see if they had any left handed guitars I was looking for.

 

  And thanks be to God they had two! I kinda felt like I didn't belong in the store since I had no clue what I was doing, but one of the two was the exact one I wanted: A pretty Ibanez acoustic electric. It felt right. Next day I made a tad ridiculous account withdrawal and bought my guitar.

 

  So I have a guitar. That happened. And I haven't told many people. I kinda want it to be my quiet thing till I know what I'm doing. And, the thing about the guitar is I don't have to audition to enjoy it. You just get started, it all depends on you, no one else.

 

And I apologize, the picture thing isn't working on this blog, so this blog came without pictures. I sorry...

 

Over and out.

Love,

Cailin

 

(No videos or shoutouts today. Sorry.)



I'm a Nonresolutionar.

And that is totes a word.

  SO usually I do some resolutions and think I'm gonna commit to them and then two weeks later I'm ridden with guilt cause I haven't raised a finger to do anything on the list I wrote down. I've resolved this year to not make resolutions.

   I'm just gonna try and strenghten my friendships and be more of myself around people. And I'm sorry my posts have been so short recently, I have had no time to think or process anything. Which is partly these kids' faults.

 Internet, meet Zadak and Briah. They are beautiful.

Over and out.
Love,
Cailin

Video of the Day:

This guy is brilliant. 

Shoutout of the Day:
   Whoever told me mountain lions roam around here. You know who you are. I look behind me now, I refuse to be eaten by a lion. Come at me cat. On second thought, JK please just stay up in the mountains eating rams and lost souls.

 

Conflicted

Hey guys!

So I watched Les Miserables on stage and it was three hours of absolute beauty...and and goodness. And as everyone knows, it has come out in theaters and I want to see it, but I'm afraid it's not going to be good. AND I REALLY REALLY WANT IT TO BE GOOD CAUSE HUGH JACKMAN IS IN IT.

Anywho, that's all I got today.
Over and out.
Love,
Cailin

Video of the Day:

You knew this was coming.