Author's note: This was written satirically to model 'Wife Wanted' a piece read in my English class. This is for humorous intent, I don't have ANY of these expectations, so don't freak out. Thank you.
I am unmarried. I have been unmarried for seventeen years. And I now feel an urge to tie myself down to a male. More specifically, I want a husband.
Now for a male to be considered eligible to court me, he must fufill some requirements. He must be of the same religion I am, taller than me; he must be attractive, but not too attractive lest I feel he is too good for me. He must be able to converse with me in matters I find interesting. He must always smell good. He must be talented musically. He must find Southern accents irresistible. And he will understand that he shouldn't socially interact with other females besides me, while not getting upset when I am accidentally charming to other men.
If he fits all these requirements and a mutual attraction develops, he must ask my father, stepfather, uncle, and any other male that plays some sort of role in my life, if he may court me. He musn't show any nervousness and be excruciatingly respectful.
If all goes well, I imagine we'll date for a couple of years, years full of romantic dinners and multiple exchanges of stuffed animals holding hearts.
I am unmarried. I have been unmarried for seventeen years. And I now feel an urge to tie myself down to a male. More specifically, I want a husband.
If he fits all these requirements and a mutual attraction develops, he must ask my father, stepfather, uncle, and any other male that plays some sort of role in my life, if he may court me. He musn't show any nervousness and be excruciatingly respectful.
If all goes well, I imagine we'll date for a couple of years, years full of romantic dinners and multiple exchanges of stuffed animals holding hearts.
When the time comes, I imagine he'll have planned the most spectacular night a girl could have, and he'll propose. We'll get married in a big church with lots of guests and lots and lots of cake; of course I'll be wearing the most beautiful wedding dress money can buy. We will be very happy. For our honeymoon we'll backpack Europe, a dream of mine.
We'll settle down eventually, and have two or three children; he'll sit by my side as I go through more pain than I thought I could bear. He'll go to work as I do laundry, cook for the kids, clean up after the kids, play with the kids, and keep the dog out of the cat's litterbox. I'll kiss every boo-boo and prepare organic food every night.
Our kids will grow up and one by one leave the house. Feeling a lack of purpose, I'll start volunteering more and dressing up the dog. At some point and time our kids will bring home kids, and our hair will start to gray. We'll get to the point where we're doing good if we remember each other's names.
I mean, isn't that what it's all about?
Over and out.
Love,
C
C
Video of the Day:
(This IS what it's all about.)
Shoutout of the Day: Goes to my really awesome mom. She's a sweetheart and I don't know what I'd do without her. 